Controlling Relationships & How To Avoid Them

Think you are being controlled? Controlling relationships can manifest in various ways, often involving patterns of behaviour that limit the victim’s autonomy and well-being.  Several factors can contribute to controlling behaviour in relationships. Understanding these causes can help in addressing the issue, though it’s important to note that being controlling is never justified and it’s not your job to try and fix someone. If you feel you are in a controlling relationship you should just leave. 

• Insecurity and low self-esteem: People who feel inadequate may try to control others to feel more secure in the relationship.
• Fear of abandonment: Past experiences of loss or rejection can lead to controlling behaviour as a misguided attempt to prevent being left.
• Anxiety: A person who suffers with anxiety may use controlling behaviour to try to manage their anxiety about uncertainties in life or the relationship.
• Learned behaviour: Growing up in a controlling environment can normalise this behaviour. Children are looking to their parents to help them understand the world and themselves, if a child grows up with an overly controlling family they will be comfortable behaving that way. They may not even now that their behaviour is wrong. 
• Perfectionism: An intense need for things to be “just right” can manifest as attempts to control others.
• Power and dominance issues: Some individuals equate control with strength and use it to feel powerful.
• Trust issues: Past betrayals and childhood experiences can lead to difficulty trusting others, resulting in controlling behaviour.
• Narcissism: Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often try to control others to maintain their self-image.
• Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or caring about others’ feelings can lead to controlling behaviour.
• Cultural or societal influences: Some cultures or subcultures may encourage controlling behaviour in relationships.
• Trauma: Past traumatic experiences can lead to controlling behaviour as a coping mechanism.

It’s crucial to remember that while understanding these causes can provide insight, they don’t excuse controlling behaviour. If someone is being controlling, they need to take responsibility for their actions and seek help to change their behaviour

Here are some common signs of a controlling relationship:

1. Isolation: The controlling partner tries to separate you from friends and family.

2. Constant monitoring: They excessively check your phone, emails, or social media.

3. Criticism: Frequent criticism of your appearance, decisions, or actions.

4. Jealousy: Extreme possessiveness or unfounded accusations of cheating.

5. Financial control: Restricting access to money or demanding detailed explanations of expenses.

6. Decision-making: Making important decisions without your input or overriding your choices.

7. Guilt-tripping: Using guilt as a tool to manipulate your behaviour.

8. Threats: Making threats about leaving you, harming themselves or you if you try to leave them.

9. Gaslighting: Denying or distorting reality to make you doubt your own perceptions.

10. Mood swings: Unpredictable emotional outbursts that keep you walking on eggshells.

11. Excessive rules: Setting unreasonable expectations or limitations on your behaviour.

12. Love bombing: Alternating controlling behaviour with intense affection to keep you off-balance.

13. Invasion of privacy: Not respecting personal boundaries or private spaces.

14. Pressure: Pushing you into unwanted sexual activities or major life decisions.

15. Intimidation: Using anger, physical presence, or threats to frighten you into compliance.

What Red Flags Should You Look For?

It’s important to exit any potentially controlling or toxic relationship as early as possible. The longer you stay in a controlling relationship the harder it will become to leave. Here are some red flags to avoid abusive and controlling relationships. 

1. Micromanagement: Constantly supervising or dictating how others should perform tasks.

2. Criticism: Frequent fault-finding and negative comments about others’ choices or actions.

3. Inflexibility: Difficulty adapting to changes or accepting alternative viewpoints.

4. Manipulation: Using guilt, shame, or emotional blackmail to influence other people’s  behaviour.

5. Possessiveness: Excessive jealousy or demands for attention in their relationships.

6. Information hoarding: Withholding important information to maintain power.

7. Decision dominance: Insisting on making decisions for others or the group.

8. Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards for others and becoming upset when those standards are not met.

9. Intimidation: Using anger, threats, or physical presence to coerce compliance.

10. Boundary violations: Disregarding personal space or privacy of others.

11. Gaslighting: Denying or distorting reality to make others doubt themselves.

12. Excessive advice-giving: Offering unsolicited opinions on how others should live their lives.

13. Emotional volatility: Unpredictable mood swings that keep others on edge.

14. Need for constant contact: Excessive calling, texting, or checking in on others.

15. Authoritarian attitude: Expecting unquestioning obedience from others.

16. Score-keeping: Maintaining a mental tally of favours or perceived slights.

17. Conditional love/support: Offering affection or help only when their conditions are met.

18. Inability to compromise: Viewing situations as all-or-nothing, with little room for negotiation.

Remember, these behaviours can vary in intensity and may not all be present in every controlling person. Further red flags to look for are oversharing of personal information very early on in the relationship. 

Be very wary of unresolved trauma. If someone tells you that they have a difficult relationship with their parents, be very wary of getting too involved with them. The relationship with the mother is the most important relationship for any child, it forms the foundation for all future relationships. It is a major red flag if a person has a poor relationship with their mother and has done nothing to resolve that trauma.

Feel like you are trapped in a controlling relationship and unable to leave? The overcome codependency and people pleasing workshop may help you.