Experiences in childhood affect our entire lives, early experiences will shape beliefs, behaviours and emotional responses when we become adults. An unhealed inner child will be most evident in relationships, particularly intimate relationships. With an unhealed inner child we will be making unconscious contracts with people who compliment our family systems.
We will be looking outside of ourselves to feel O.K. Relating to people based on family roles, looking to people to save us, rescue us or looking for people that we can save or rescue. With an unhealed inner child we will recreate dysfunctional patterns learned in childhood
Struggle With Trust and Intimacy
- If a child experienced neglect or abandonment, it doesn’t have to be extreme. Conditional love, forcing a child to take on a family role as a way to feel loved and accepted is still a form of abandonment. A child who experiences any kind of neglect or abandonment will often develop a deep-seated fear of experiencing the same kind of trauma again in their adult relationships.
- This can manifest as clingy behaviour, people pleasing, constant need for reassurance, or paradoxically, pushing partners away to avoid potential hurt. Unreasonable behaviour to test their partner’s love.
- Most of us become shamed out of emotions as children, we become shamed out of our emotions not just by parents but by society. A lot of children learn it isn’t safe to express emotions or needs and may struggle to open up as adults.
- This can result in emotional distance, making true intimacy challenging. An adult who has been shamed out of their emotions will often try to suppress those emotions which will lead to many issues. Rage and misdirected anger are most destructive when it comes to relationships.
- A child doesn’t want to see their parents as bad so they internalise dysfunction, they see themselves as bad. Childhood experiences of dysfunction, criticism or lack of affirmation can lead to low self-esteem.
- Adults with a poor self image and low self esteem may feel unworthy of love, making it hard to trust that a partner truly cares for them.
- Adults who have experienced trauma or unpredictability in childhood may always be on guard.
- This constant state of alert can make relaxing into trust and intimacy difficult.
- Unhealed wounds may lead to attractions of deprivation, unconsciously seeking out familiar, albeit unhealthy, relationship dynamics.An adult with an unhealed inner child will be comfortable interacting with people the way they learnt in childhood no matter how toxic those interactions may be.
- Trust issues and negative beliefs will be reinforced as negative experiences accumulate.
- Those who didn’t receive consistent love and care as children will often struggle to recognize or accept it as adults.
- This can create distance and toxic behaviours even in loving relationships.
- A wounded inner child will result in projection, an adult who has low self esteem and a negative self image will feel insecure in their intimate relationships. Unresolved issues may be projected onto current partners, damaging trust.
- Minor conflicts might trigger disproportionate reactions based on unresolved childhood wounds and past experiences.
A Wounded Inner Child Will Affect All Relationships
An adult with a wounded inner child will experience difficulty in all relationships, work is a projection of the family unit. A person with a wounded inner child will often struggle to progress in their career or even to keep a job. Codependency and porous boundaries can affect friendships, professional and business relationships.
By Healing Our Inner Child, We Can:
- More self-awareness, inner child healing will allow us to become aware of the unconscious coping mechanisms we adopted in childhood. Releasing toxic shame, identifying and giving up family roles will allow an adult to make better relationship choices
- Improve emotional regulation. Childhood dysfunction can actually cause changes in the brain making a person more prone to emotional dysregulation. Inner child healing can reregulate the brain, allow a person to reconnect with, accept and become comfortable with their emotions.
A child needs what are known as good enough parents if they are to form healthy relationships as adults. The most important relationship for any child is the relationship with the mother it underpins all future relationships including the relationship with self. Inner child work will allow a person to become a good enough parent to themselves, to increase self love and acceptance. When we love and accept ourselves unconditionally we won’t need to look to others to make us feel worthy.
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